Teen [Women’s] Q and A

Subject: Teen [Women’s] Q and A Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:03 am

Teen [Women’s] Q and A
Here we present questions and answers related to current and unique teen experiences and situations.
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About Sex
Q: I don't want to fornicate, but my boyfriend says that sex is an essential part of getting to know one another in any long-term committed relationship. What should I do?

A: Okay, rule number one about life (including friends); there is nothing to talk about to anyone who asks you to prostitute yourslef (male or female) to prove thateir importance to you. Anyone with those kinds of low/questionable esteem issues is only trying/going to bring you down with them if you let them and by down, I mean as low in the gutter as you can relate it, that place where no self-respecting person would even imagine.

And secondly/or maybe firstly, (Hetero) Sexuality is a part of marital intimacy, only. It represents the physical consummation of the sacrament of marriage. And it is not a part of the/any so-called (non-existent) dating process. And it is definitely not apart of teenaged life (even if you are a married teen-- any married adult over the age of '21' will tell you this). But with regard to anyone attempting to negatively influence your single/unmarried sobriety, you already know what to do--move on to better/real more responsible acquaintances who share and respect your good values. But, The main thing you will realize about respect/love is that anyone who is really in love with your humanity will be more than willing to respect your principles and be your platonic friend as/if in the case of those singles whom marriage is not pre-ordained for.

Premarital sex or oral sex (or sexually living together) without lawful marriage is NOT proof of commitment or love and certainly NOT friendship of any kind nor ilk. Marriage, however, is, and cannot be so emulated falsely.

Whether or not single/unmarried adults choose to have sexual contact without the benefit of the sacrament (of marriage) is a choice made by an adult 21 or older (albeit a foolish one) who has accepted the responsibility, risks and consequences that come with such actions and is not something any honorable person, be they adult, teen or pre-teen should entertain. And it is not appropriate for your so-called guy acquaintance to pressure you. If he was the one, you'd already be married (and he certainly wouldn't be pressuring you into inappropriate behavior not suited for children --even/including mature teens).

There is not such relationship/person as an intimate friend. Marriage is a (private) sacrament that cannot be mocked and friendship is a peer status that cannot be mis-represented. Real friends encourage and support your sobriety (including in your unique life circumstance)... Remember, 'no means no,' but that type of question should never come up in the first place, ever.

(Please PM Hermoine G. with any questions you’d like to have answered).

Subject: Re: Teen [Women’s] Q and A Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:08 am

When He Won't Accept No...
Q: I went to the senior dance with someone I’ve known for a long time and thought was my friend, and everything was fine, but after the dance he did something I didn’t want him to do. At school, he acted like nothing happened, but I feel sick every time I see him. I’m going away to school, but that’s months away, What can I do?

A: File a police report. If someone kisses touches or has any other kind of contact with you or touches your person after you’ve said or indicated no, even if you know them or have socialized with them or even had prior consensual intimate contact with them on other occasions, he (or she) is guilty of assault (only a complete sociopath would be turned on by tears or ‘no’ or pleas to be left alone or other negative response). YOU didn’t do anything wrong. The main thing for any victim is to get away the first chance you get (with your life). It’s a common tactic of people who commit acquaintance crimes, to prey on those they feel are most vulnerable or trusting (or least likely to tell out of fear and embarrassment). This is not your fault, it’s his fault and (also the fault of the legal system for failing to protect victims of assault in such a manner that people would be afraid to commit these kinds of crimes). The number of teens and women who are assaulted (without reporting it) is rising each year. And it’s perfectly normal to feel confused, angry or afraid. But know that there are people who will help you without making you feel worse; and even if you can’t afford private counseling or are worried about privacy, you can still talk to a priest, a rape crisis counselor (neither will reveal any of your personal information without your permission). Also, if he comes anywhere near you, it is only an intimidation ploy, he is counting on your fear to keep you quiet. If he approaches you, you have the right to defend yourself within reason; scream, shout loudly that he’d better eave you alone before you call the police, and if necessary, start swinging (and if necessary, yell the word, ‘rapist’ as loudly as possible any and every time he comes near you). But, you have the right to police protection by filing a report whenever you’re ready. And even if you don’t feel comfortable going through the legal system, it’s still important to seek support (from your clergy or a therapist) for the recovery process to begin. No, it won’t be the same, you’ll never forget what he did, but you will survive. And over time you will want to have, and reclaim a normal life for yourself. But, it’s important to seek support; first, in the city where you are, and then continuing when you are away at school. And if you tell the school administrators (and the campus Chaplain) of your situation (while, not everyone reacts the same when they are in shock --some people don't seem to react at all, but, yet, they still flunk out of school, fall into future abusive or multiple relationships, have anger issues, etc...). , they may be able to help you so that the stress of dealing with this won’t interfere with your coursework or even allow you to take a lighter load or defer enrollment for a semester to assist you in your recovery. It’s very important to put yourself and your emotional and physical wellbeing, first and to give yourself all the time (and support) you need in this.

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Note: As far as wrestling with the attacker or even jumping in to help someone else, Not all people have that strength, nor the life experiences that taught them that taught them how to react in those circumstances. But, God gave us all inner strength and the will to survive and ability move beyond tragic circumstances.

Subject: Re: Teen [Women’s] Q and A Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:41 am

Hecklers/Bullies
Q: There’s a group of people at school that make fun of me, every day (my clothes, hair, etc.). Should I confront them?

A: No. Insults are born of jealousy and poor manners. The fact that someone was 'pointing you out to people and laughing' says a lot about them (and all of it bad). It’s best (and safer) to tell your parents and the Administrators at your school.

If someone (guy or girl) doesn’t like you, they could and would simply ignore you. But, to ridicule or pick on someone, simply means that they are jealous, and inviting others to do so is a way of trying to look less like a lone bully and maybe delegate some of the guilt of the offense to others. And while it can be hard not to take insults personally, the bottom line is, people who go around insulting others don't have very much self respect/esteem. They are usually pretty unhappy with themselves. And by attempting to harass you, they’re only showing how pathetic they really are.

Subject: Re: Teen [Women’s] Q and A Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:51 am

Breaking Up
Q: My platonic boyfriend and I had a really bad break-up in which he verbally abused me and called me some pretty nasty names. I don’t understand what happened. I just wanted to know why he wasn’t happy with me anymore. Should I try to talk to him again when things cool down?

A: Um, No. First, anyone who is abusive, - calling themselves your boyfriend, who is not your husband is/sounds like a total creep... Verbal (or physical or sexual) abuse is never okay, nor justified, even in an argument. Defending your life is one thing, but unnecessarily taking it to the next level of altercation (verbal or physical) is never okay, never mind that it may potentially be criminal/civil offense. People who need to demean or denigrate others to feel better about themselves are simply predators, unworthy of your time (and potentially very dangerous) and that’s not cool. The bottom line is anyone who verbally, emotionally or physically or sexually assaults someone is a predator and a bully (regardless of whether or not charges were filed). Anyone who calls you names or threatens you or actually puts their hands on you is not a friend (and never was), does not respect you and does not really love you (love doesn’t kill or make you feel afraid for your safety or well being).

Eventually, you will feel better and forget all about this person, but you also have to demand the respect you deserve from the people who wish to be in your life. Good friends (and relatives) respect and support one another and don’t try to hurt you and definitely don’t engage in or tolerate inappropriate or abusive behavior. Friendship is a privilege, and you have the right to revoke it if your ethical needs and standards are not being met.

As an adult you will be able to tell when people are being false or dishonest and simply eliminate toxic strangers (or even acquantainces and illegitemate relatives) from your life as you see fit. But as a young person, sometimes it’s harder to know if a person is being genuine because you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but the simple truth is that, for whatever reason, there are some predatory persons about who attempt to prey upon the kindness and gentile manners of others, so you will have to be very wary of anyone who is less than as nice or/and genuine as you are, so you will have to judge them based on their actions. Anyone who loves (or even marginally respects) you will not call you names, will not threaten or bully you (today,most folks call them types stalkers) and will definitely not have a problem with celibacy seeing as how you are unmarried and have made it clear you are not interested in the crime of fornication.

So, please do take this opportunity to be more discriminating about the kind of people you allow in your life and the kind of people you omit/eliminate from your life, and your right to a stress-free, secure teen-life-experience and beyond. So, do file an incident report with the police (explain that you're a minor and that you were verbally abused, etc.) And even more importantly, tell your family and don’t call him anymore and if he tries to call or say hello to you in the future, simply, put your foot down and let him know that you are not intimidated and also, are going to file a restraining order (of protection) if he attempts to communicate with you further, and leave it at that and go on with your life. Remember, liking someone doesn’t entitle them or you to forget those ethics/laws/edicts in place for your protection, just as dis-associating yourself with someone doesn’t justify being attacked with name calling, etc.

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